The Epic story of Epicness as told by Denmark
by catskid100
Summary: A story of a Brave knight named Denmark, and damsel in distress named Norway, locked away in a tall tower by the evil wizard Russia, and a side-kick no one likes named Iceland. Yeah, this is gonna be good. Rated T for Den's potty mouth
1. Chapter 1

**THIS CHAPTER HAS BEEN EDITED AND REVISED.  
**

**This has to wholeheartedly be the most STUPID thing I have ever written. But I LOVE it. I made it in the way I think Denmark would tell a story, so it's a bit lacking in detail. I SWEAR there won't be so many interruptions in the next chapter! To be truthful, this was going to just be a one-shot, but I got carried away. Yeah... it's almost 1 AM and I'm tired... nite, and Enjoy. There may be mistakes. Read over them please.**

**I don't own a thing**

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_"And that is why I think lollipops should be banned from all public bathrooms."_

_"Uh, thank you for that very... interesting report miss Héderváry. You may take your seat." Elizabeta proudly strode back to her desk while the rest of the class unenthusiastically clapped. Their teacher Ms. Katyusha cleared her throat and looked at her grading sheet. "And next up we have Mathias Køhler. Please come up and present your report!" she said, motioning to the front of the class._

_The blonde haired boy smiled and stood up. He grabbed his papers out of his paper-filled binder and quickly walked up to the front of the classroom. Some boys whooped and hollered as he stood and looked out to the other nineteen sets of eyes staring at him. He shifted his papers in his hands. "Okay! Prepare to be amazed! This is going to be awesome!" He said in his Danish accent._

_Katyusha leaned over her desk and rested her chin in her hands. "And your report is about what, Mister Køhler?"_

_He laughed nervously and scratched the back of his head. "Well, my report was going to be on why I think dogs like to bite mailmen, but I kind of lost it, so I threw this beautiful masterpiece together instead!" He waved the papers in his hands over his head. "It'll like, knock your socks off!"_

_"...as much as I like to have my socks knocked off, I also like my students to, well, do the project they were assigned, hm?"_

_Mathias frowned. "But teach! This is amazing! And I worked a whole hour on it!"_

_"I'm really sorry dear, but if you didn't do your assignment, then I'm going to have to ask you to go back to your-"_

_"Aw come on Ms. K! Let him read his story!" Katyusha turned to the boy in the front row._

_"Alfred, please don't call out..."_

_Slouching back in his chair, Alfred smirked. "But he worked sooo haaard on it, and now you won't even let him read it to the class? You're nicer than that Ms. K..." Then he turned on his smile. The smile deemed "the smile that would sail one thousand ships". Katyusha drew back in her swivel chair a bit._

_"I-I..." She tried to resist. Mathias didn't do his assignment, so he shouldn't be able to read up in front of the class. She should just fail him and call it a day. But that smile! "...okay, fine. Mathias, what is your report called?"_

_A large grin spread across the Dane's face. "Well, actually it's not really a report, but it's called The Epic story of epic story-ness!" A few people held back their laughs and Katyusha blinked. She then sighed and put a hand to her face. _

_"Okay... just. Please. Read."_

_Mathias smiled at his teacher and then to Alfred who gave him a thumbs-up. His eyes then wandered over to the other side of the classroom to another blonde boy sitting in the second row. They looked at each other for a brief moment and when Mathias winked at him, the boy turned his gaze away and towards the wall, his mysterious floating curl, bobbing by his head._

_He chuckled under his breath and then cleared his throat._

_"Okay. Here we go..."_

Once Upon a time in a land, kind of far away, there lived this totally awesome knight named Sir Mathias, but everyone just called him Denmark. So Denmark lived in the kingdom of Scandanavialot and was considered the most handsome, hot, awesome thing to ever grace the planet. The girls were always swooning and throwing their bras at him saying things like 'oh Denmark, bear my children!' or 'let me run my fingers through your beautiful golden locks!'. The guys were also all over him, but whatever. Denmark's noble steed was named Gilbert since Gilbert was a real ass. Ahem- _aw come on, Gil! I was just kidding! It's not nice to throw pens!- _Anyway! One day Denmark was summoned to the Castle. He walked into the castle in all his greatness and knelt before King Berwald and Queen Tino.

_"Why do I have to be the Queen! " _

_Mathias laughed. "It's because you're a pussy! Now can I finish my story? And Berwald, stop glaring at me like that! God..."_

King Berwald was usually called Sweden, and Tino was called Finland. Sweden and Finland sat in their really tacky thrones and looked at Denmark. Finland then began to start crying all randomly like a girl. Denmark became concerned and asked ever so politely what was wrong. Finland just cried some more and buried his face into Sweden's shoulder.

"O'r s'n h's b'n kid'nppd." Sweden said in his really weird accent that no one could understand really, but Denmark was awesome and knew exactly what he was saying.

"Prince Norway has been kidnapped!" The prince's actual name was Erik, but no one cared and just called him Norway. Norway was a total babe, so of course it was up to Denmark to save him!

_Mathias dodged a binder that was hurled directly at his head._

Okay. So Sweden and Finland asked Denmark to bravely go out and save their son from the clutches of the evil wizard Ivan the terrible! Better known as Russia! DUN DUN DUN! Denmark had met Russia before and Russia was a total bitch. Poor Norway! Stolen away by an evil bitch! Denmark then set off to go rescue Norway and maybe even make out with him. Heh, he was also accompanied this punk named Iceland who was also Sweden and Finland's son. But no one liked Iceland, and Sweden and Finland only sent him along in hopes that he'd get killed. So then Denmark hopped on Gilbert and Iceland rode on the back of his weird Puffin-Emu mutant thing, on their way to Russia's stupid ice castle.

They rode for three days and then came to this really cool pub. It was a miracle, because Denmark was slowly dying from lack of alcohol. He quickly tied the puffin-emu thing, Gilbert, and Iceland outside on a tree and walked inside. Man did it stink in there! Oh my god. But Denmark still made his way over to the bar. He sat down and ordered a bud light. He happily drank his beer and was about to order another when a cloaked figure sat next to him. "Are you the one they call Denmark?" The figure asked.

"That's me!"

The figure nodded. "I see." He looked back and forth and then took off his hood. "My name is Arthur Kirk- _whoops! *erase*- _I mean, my name is England. I have heard of your quest to defeat Russia and I am here to aid you," The man said. Denmark stared... at his eyebrows. They were freakin' huge! Like, you could loose a comb in those things! Like, you'd need a weed whacker to trim those babies!

_"Continue with the bloody story, will you?"_

_Okay, jeeze, just adding detail. _England leaned in and whispered to Denmark. "Do you want to know what Russia plans on doing with Norway?"

Denmark rolled his eyes. "Well, duh."

"Okay... he plans on forcing Norway to marry him so that he'll be the new king of Scandanavialot, since apparently; his fat lard kingdom isn't big enough."

Denmark gasped. "That's terrible! We have to stop him! But..."

"…But what?"

"Why couldn't he just marry Iceland? I mean, that wouldn't be much of a loss. And it would still be the same outcome."

England rolled his eyes. "But who would want to marry Iceland?" Denmark nodded. "Good point."

_"Uh, Mathias-kun?"_

_"Yeah, Kiku?" _

_"Isn't this story of yours, kind of... harsh? I mean, isn't Iceland based off of Erik's little brother?"_

_Mathias sighed and rolled his eyes. "Yes, but it's so fun picking on him! And it's not like he's here or anything! So it's okay!" Kiku opened his mouth to protest, but decided against it. There was no arguing with Mathias._

_Any who!_

England and Denmark stood up. "I shall accompany you on your trip. I believe my powers will be of use to you."

"Wait, powers as in, magic?" Denmark asked. England nodded. "Sweet!"

And so, England was added to Denmark's team of awesome- plus Iceland. They set off again. BUT! Meanwhile at Russia's evil castle thing of stupid, Norway was kept away in a tall, tall, tall, tall, tall, TALL tower. It was very cliché but Russia didn't care. Norway sat by the window all day, wondering when his knight in shining armor, Denmark, would come to save him from that awful place!

Just as Norway was about to cry himself to sleep, Russia burst in the room. He was followed by his hoe Alf- I meeean, America, yeah, that's it. Russia walked over to Norway while America just stood in the doorway. _Hey, that rhymed! _He leaned over all creepily and asked, "Are you still waiting for your so-called Knight to come and save you?" Norway went to go slap him but Russia grabbed his wrist and smiled all stupidly. "You do know that the wedding is in three days, da?" Why they didn't just get married right then and there was beyond Norway, but no one cared! Norway didn't respond, he just tugged away from Russia's grasp and continued to look out the window. Russia scoffed and walked out the door. America however was all like 'omigawsh' and felt bad for Norway. He stayed for a moment but then Russia had to be a jerk and call his name. America turned slowly and locked the door.

_"Hold on a moment Mr.Køhler. Yes Erik?" Ms. Katyusha pointed to the boy who was raising his hand. Erik spoke in his usual monotone voice. _

_"May I make a comment?"_

_Mathias' grin increased ten fold. "Of course babe!"_

_"Mathias?"_

_"Yeah?"_

_"You're an idiot."_

_A couple of the others laughed, and Mathias just kept smiling. "So I'm told! Now can I finish reading?"_

_Katyusha clapped her hands together. "Please do!" The truth was, she was really getting into this story._

_"Thank you! Ahem, now where was I?" And so he began to read again._

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**Your braincell count: 0**

**review if you're still alive. This is not my best...**

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**FAQ**

**How old are Mathias and his friends?**

Well. A lot of you seem to think they are younger than what they are. They are not in elementary school, or even middle school, but they're in high school. They're in their junior year, so they're all around 16 or 17 years old. A few exceptions are Rodric, Heracles, Antonio, and Ludwig, who are all seniors. Natalia, Iceland, and Raivis are all sophomores, they are all 15. And Liech is a freshman, she's going on 14 years old.

_**Is Canada in the story, or have you forgotten him?**_

No, I've been considering putting him in somewhere. He's actually not in their class. He's in a whole other class. Along with Yong soo, and Feliks.

_**Are Ivan and Katyusha related?**_

No. I decided to not make them related in this story. Although Ivan and Natalia are of course brother and sister.

**And Finally, My favorite. Do you have something against Iceland?**

Okay. I don't. I absolutely LOVE Iceland. I really do! But, I love picking on him. He just seems like a punk to me! Haha! But I seriously think this is what Mathias would write about him. He doesn't hate him, he just fins it fun to mess with him. And who knows, Iceland MAY just have his day soon. *wink wink*

Now, I'd like to say a little short things about the characters:

_Mathias- Age: 17 Extra activities: Is on the basketball team. Short bio- He's going out with Erik at the moment. They've been together for almost two years. He likes to mess with Erik's little brothers. He's cousins with Berwald._

_Erik- Age: 17 Extra activities: Plays Viola (god's instrument) is in the school orchestra. Short bio-He's going out with Mathias. He's pretty level-headed. He is interested in magical creatures and often has long conversations with Arthur about such things._

_Arthur- Age: 16 Extra activities: Is in the book club. Short bio- Currently single. He and Francis are childhood "frenimies". He's often annoyed by Francis' touchy-feely nature. He's Alfred's older cousin._

_Francis- Age: 17 Extra activities: R rated Short bio- Considers himself to be in a relationship with Arthur and even set it to that on his facebook. He's best friends with Antonio and Gilbert. _

_Alfred- Age:16 Extra activities: Is on the basketball team. Short Bio- HE IS NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH IVAN BRAGINSKI. or so he says. He's a pretty care-free hero-type of boy. His twin brother is Mathiew. _

_Ivan- Age: 17 Extra Activities: Is in the eco club. Short Bio- Is in a relationship with Alfred F. Jones. Or so he says. His younger sister Natalia has an unnatural obsession with him. He gets along well with his English teacher Ms. Katyusha._


	2. Chapter 2

**THIS CHAPTER HAS BEEN EDITED AND REVISED.**

**Chapter two! Sorry this took a while, but it's updated quicker than most of my stories! This chapter has a bit more plot than the last so it may not be as funny, but i tried! I'm trying to keep America in character, and it's proving harder than i thought. I'm a HUGE Russiamerica shipper, so I'm resisting the urge to make him really "uke"ish around Russia. Haha, and I'm also trying to keep Iceland actually IN the story. That's hard too... XP.**

**Enjoy!**

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Russia and America then walked down to the dining room. The EVIL dining room! They both sat down and continued to play their game of Yahtzee  
they were playing before Russia was all like 'Let's go see what Norway is doing! HUR HUR HUR!' Anyway! America paused from totally kicking  
Russia's ass for a moment and decided to start up a nice little conversation. "Um, yeah. Russia?" Russia looked up from writing down his (totally failing) score. "Hm?"

"Uh... don't you think you're being a little hard on Norway? I mean, like, from where I was standing, you were being a real jerk," America said, shaking the cup and dumping the dice.

Russia arched an eyebrow. "Are you questioning my methods of evilness? Oh, you got a full house again..."

America cursed under is breath and put two dice back in the cup. "No, I'm just saying that maybe you should be a little less... blah, and a little more... awesome. Like me!" _Yeah Al, I see you smiling over there_! America spilled the two dice out and wrote down his score. "It's your turn." Russia took the dice, and grabbed the cup from America totally all rudely and stuff. "Amerika~" He said in his fugly Russian accent_. ...Umm, Teach? Can you tell Ivan to stop making that creepy 'kol-whatever' sound? It's distracting. Thanks! Okay_. "You think so highly of yourself when you're the one working for me. How can that be, hm? Just because I favor you over Eduard and Raivis- ha, silly me! I mean Estonia and Latvia. Just because I favor you over those two, don't think that you are special enough to tell me what to do."

_The class sounded with 'ohhs' as Alfred sank down in his seat. _

_Ha-ha!_ America stared at Russia wide-eyed. He quickly put down his pen and stood up from his seat. "I don't even know why I put up with you!"

"I could say the same thing, Amerika..."

"I-I... CBSDJBCHSDBS UGH! You, Russia, are a big JERKFACE!" America yelled as he swiftly strode out of the room fuming.

"Real mature Amerika! _REAL _mature..." Russia called after him, erasing the other man's score and writing in a new, more failing one.

MEANWHILE!

Denmark and his team of awesome are riding along their merry way to save Norway! Still! At the moment, they were thinking up a new team name since England thought that the name "Denmark's team of awesome plus Iceland" was 'bloody ridiculous'. Shows what he knows.

"I think we should settle on the name 'Team Alpha Wolf Squadron!'" Denmark said.

England sighed. "Bloody hell. Why can't you just listen to me and go with 'The Amazing Warriors'?"

"Because that's gay!"

"You're gay!"

"So're you!"

"...Um... I think we should go with team-"

Denmark turned and glared at Iceland. "No that's stupid." Iceland hung his head in SHAME. Denmark shook his head. "Cheer up emo boy, screw a new team name. And look, we're here at some cute little town!" They rode up a small cobblestone road into said town and slowed their pace as there were women and children and people and stuff in the road. I mean, it would be a problem if they accidentally trampled someone. Now THAT would cause problems. With the blood gushing everywhere and people screaming and lawsuits and yeeahh... ANYWAY! England stopped dead in his tracks as they approached the center of the town. "What's wrong?" Denmark asked because he was such a nice guy!

England stuttered. "I-I... I think we should turn around and go the other way around town." Denmark blinked, and then laughed. "Why would we do that? I mean, the only other way is through the woods of DEATH and that doesn't sound too fun..."

England hopped off his horse and looked around all nervously like a little sissy. "Listen, I just think that it would be a good idea to go around town rather than through... W-we can stop for supplies in the next town."

Denmark also hopped of his horse. "But we don't know how far away the next town is. And what are you worrying about anyway?" He said with a laugh.

England was getting pissy. "Look. We should just turn around and- AUGH!" England jumped as he felt a hand firmly squeeze his butt.

"Il est si bon de te voir mon amour. Vous cherchez plus belle que jamais." _Haha, do you like that? I got it off the Internet translator! Did I say it right Francis?_

_Francis smirked and nodded. "Just perfect mon ami." He then leaned back in his chair and watched Arthur repeatedly smack his head against his desk. _

_Jeeze Arthur, you're going to get a concussion that way... retard. _England turned quickly to face the person who dared grab his ass. Not that he didn't already know. "Francis!"_ Goddammit_. "I m-mean France! What the hell are you doing?"

Denmark stepped forward. "Hehe, he's only copping a feel! I mean, your ass is pretty nice_." Ow- OUCH! Come on! It's not fair if both you AND Erik are throwing stuff at me! And it was a compliment_! Pff, whatever... "But England, how do you know..."

"France." The man interrupted. "Pleased to make your acquaintance," he said bowing. "And may I ask your name?"

"The name's Denmark. Remember that! Oh and yeah... That's Iceland over there, but he doesn't matter."

"Hmm, it's so nice to meet you Denmark. And did England not tell you? He knows me because he lives here."

Denmark would have been shocked if he didn't already figure that that was the case. He was smart like that. But he played along like he was. "That's so awesome! England, you live here? Does your mom live here too? Can we meet her? My mom lives in the castle town like I do! I love my mommy..." _I really do! She's so awesome! She does my laundry and cooks dinner for me and stuff! Don't you guys love your mommies too? _

England groaned. "Unfortunately, yes. I do live here, along with this wanker here." He pointed to France. "And yes, she does live here, and NO we will not go see her!"

"How cruel you are Angleterre. You won't even go see your own mother..." England scowled.

"W-whatever. Now what is it you want you frog?" He said crossing his arms like the diva he is.

France shifted his weight to his right foot and laughed. "China wants to see you right away." This made England open his eyes wide.

"Really now? What does he want with me?"

France just shrugged. "I don't know, but he said to bring your friends too. Apparently what he has to say applies to all of you. And me." For a moment England just stood and stared at the other man. He then sighed and grabbed the reigns of his horse. "Alright, Are you guys coming or not?"

Denmark grabbed his horse and they all started walking through the streets, following England and France. Denmark furrowed his brow. "Wait. How did this China Person know about me and Iceland?"

"It's Iceland and _I, _not me and Iceland," England replied without turning around. "And China is a psychic_." Huh? Isn't that cool Yao? I made you a psychic! You know you're diggin' it! _

They walked outside of the town and to a house, situated on top of a small hill. They left their horses (and mutant emu puffin thing) outside by a small stable and France knocked on the door. After a moment, a small little Asian boy we all know and love answered the door. His name was Kiku! Nah, I'm just kidding, his name was Japan. "I've brought them," France said to the boy. He nodded and turned around, gesturing for them to follow him.

He led them down a hallway to a sliding door. He tapped the screen lightly and only went inside when he heard the word 'enter' uttered from the other side. He bowed as he walked in, moving to the side. He motioned to the rest of the little "gang" if that's what you want to call it. "They have arrived."

"Good. Please, come and sit aru." France and England apparently knew the drill and sat down with their legs folded under them without hesitation. Denmark caught on quickly and awesomely, and... and no one cares about what Iceland did. He could stand and no one would give a shit.

China began to speak. "So... I have foreseen your quest and I have some vital information for you aru."

"So what is it?" Denmark asked. England smacked his arm. "Hush yourself."

China rolled his eyes. He obviously understood the torture Denmark was going through! "Well, if you must know, it is this." He cleared his throat. "If you ever want to succeed in your endeavors, you have to go see master Germany." England and France looked taken aback.

"G-Germany? But China..." England started. "He lives..."

"On top of the Mountain of Doom, I know aru, but you must. He has skills and tools to give you that you won't be able to stop Russia without. I knew Russia before and he was strong back then, so I can only imagine that you won't stand a chance against him now without seeing Germany first."

Denmark stroked his chin and let out a small 'hmm' sound. "When you say that you 'knew' Russia before, are you saying you had a _thing _with him?" He gave a suggestive eyebrow wiggle.

China went bright red_- "THAT WAS SO LONG AGO ARU!"_

_"Oh, shut up Yao! We all know that!"_

_"Then why are you bringing it up aru? It's very annoying to talk about!"_

_"Then stop talking about it! And because I felt like it! Now how about you shut your little Asian mouth and listen to my story, hm?"_

_Katyusha frowned. "Mathias!"_

_Uh yeah, sorry Ms.K... _Anyway, china went bright red and gripped the fabric of his pants at his knees. "S-Shut up aru! And that is irrelevant!"

"It's nasty, that's what it is." England smacked him again, this time upside the head and harder. "OUCH. Little bitch...!"

England acted like nothing happened though and looked back at China. "I am so sorry. Forgive him. I believe he was dropped on the head as a child one too many times."

China nodded. "I see..." They were so mean! Denmark was about to beat the crap out of those little tea-drinking traps but he was nicer and more humble than that and wouldn't stoop down to their level. "Okay aru. You must hurry; you only have five days to get to Russia's castle. France, you will follow them on their quest because... well, because I said so. Kiku will lead you four to the foot of the Mountain of Doom through the Forest of Death aru."

_"Wait, dude. I thought you said that they only had three days to get to Russia and junk." Alfred said. He tapped his pen against his desk._

_"Well, I changed my mind. I mean, three days is way too short and they'd never get there in time! So I'm like, why not make it five days! They can do way more awesome stuff in that time!"_

_"Oooooh... I see! Okay man, carry on!"_

_Okay! _Denmark stared. "W...well that sounds like merry fun..." He was so good at sarcasm! HAR HAR HAR! They all stood and bowed to China who wished them luck. I don't see why he would do that since he can see the future and all, he could probably just look and see if they actually beat Russia or not. But whatever. They all walked outside and hopped on their horses. (France rode England's because they're GAY like that.) Kiku grabbed his from the stable and lead them towards the woods of Death.

AT RUSSIA'S PLACE!

It was around midnight. After checking to see if Russia was asleep, America ran to his room and sat at his desk. He took out a piece of paper and pen and started to write. "Oh man, I really hope that this gets to him in time..." he whispered to himself as he quickly rolled up the paper and tied it with a scrünchi. He quietly went downstairs and went into a room and over to a bird cage in the corner.

"Hey, little guy. I need you to do me a favor..." The bird just looked at him. America opened the cage and slipped the paper in the pouch that was strapped on its back. "I need you to deliver this to him..." He took the bird out of the cage and whispered a name so softly, that it looked like he mouthed the word.

America walked over to the window and opened it gently. "I have to take care of hero stuff here, otherwise I would deliver this myself, but I'm counting on you to get this to him quickly, okay?" The bird looked at him again. Like seriously, who talks to birds? America stuck his arm out the window and the bird flew off.

_"And that's all I've got so far."_

_A collective groan was heard throughout the classroom. Katyusha's expression dropped. "Oh really? That's too bad. I was actually starting to enjoy your story quite a bit. Wasn't it just great everyone?" She looked at the rest of the class who let out whoops and hollers. _

_Mathias grinned. "Really? I knew it was epic but I thought you guys would be all like 'okay whatever, this is lame'"_

_Elizabeta put her palms flat on her desk. "What are you talking about! That was amazing!" Katyusha clapped her hands together. _

_"Yes, yes! You must continue! I'll tell you what; If you continue this story for next class, I'll count this as your report after all!"_

_Mathias' jaw dropped. "Seriously?" She nodded. "Alright, Okay! I'll start working on it tonight! I promise, it'll be even more epic than it already is!"_

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**PHEW! This took a LONG time to type. Any guesses as to who the letter might be to? And I'll give a cookie to anyone who tells me what movie 'team alpha wolf squadron' is from. XD If you didn't know, a scrünchi is a hair tie. I'm also sorry if anyone doesn't like the use of the word retard. I will change it if that's the case. And I really had the urge to make racist comments in this one. Gawsh, I'm so sorry to any Asians! Also, tell me if the French is wrong. I'm not too sure...Review if you love your mommy!**


	3. Chapter 3

**THIS CHAPTER HAS BEEN EDITED AND REVISED  
**

**First off, I am SO, SO, SO SOOOO SORRY for the late update! There was really no reason for it other than I'm lazy. lD Thank you all for the kind reviews! I really appreciate it! Now let me just tell you that this chapter has taken 50 YEARS to type. And it's not even that good! I focused more on the story than the gags, so it's not as funny and doesn't have many interruptions. There are also probably some mistakes because freaking FANFICTION was being GAY and mixing everything UP! GAH! Anyway, I tried my best, so here's chapter three, I made it long just for you~! Enjoy!**

**PS, in case you didn't know, the planned pairings and sub pairings for this story are Obviously DenNor, RussiAmerica, FrUk, LietPol (a bit, because I have... a problem with that pairing. Ugh...) Mild SuFin, Mild AusHungary and AusSwiss.**

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"Yo! Mathias!"

_Said boy closed his locker and looked in the direction of the person who had called his name. "Hey Al, what's up?" They exchanged what could be called a secret handshake, made just for awesome bros such as them. Alfred shrugged._

_"Eh, nothing much, ya know; the usual... What happened to your eye?"_

_The other boy brushed his fingers over the eye Alfred was mentioning. "Oh, you mean this? Haha, Berwald socked me one this morning for calling Tino a pussy yesterday! Th' guy can't take a joke..."_

_Alfred blinked and sighed. "Yeah, totally. But dude, your story yesterday was KILLER."_

_Mathias laughed. "Really? Ya think so?"_

_"Totally! Although..." The boy paused and narrowed his eyes. "What was up with making me Ivan's whore, man? Alfred F. Jones is owned by no one!" He said jabbing his thumb into his chest. Mathias smirked._

_"Well, I didn't make you his whore, I said HOE, and also, it was America that was his hoe, not you~" As Mathias said that he didn't even notice Alfred's slight eye twitch. The blond looked at the other golden haired boy from behind his glasses threateningly._

_"Yeah, sure, whatever. You so totally based all of those characters off of our class, and I know "America" is me, so don't even try to hide it!" He made air quotations with his hands. "And remember this; I am NOT Ivan Braginski's fucking WHORE!"_

_"Oh really now, Alfred?" The two boys turned around to look at the third party who had joined the conversation. Alfred's face flushed._

_"Ivan. Just fucking great."_

_Ivan let out his signature childish laugh. "Oh Alfred, you are so strange~" He then snaked his arms over Alfred's shoulders and around his neck, resting his chin on the top of his head._

_"Get. The fuck off. Of me. Commie." Denmark smiled as Ivan replied to Alfred with a simple 'no'. He leaned back against the locker and crossed his arms._

_"What were you saying Alfred?"_

_The American promptly stuck up his middle finger at the Dane and mouthed the words 'fuck you' at him. "You both can go to hell-" He looked past Mathias and down the hall at an approaching figure. "Oooh~ speaking of hoes; here comes yours Mathias." The other two looked over and saw who Alfred was talking about. Oh. Erik._

_As Erik walked up to the three, Alfred pulled himself out of Ivan's embrace (death grip) and started pulling at the taller boys scarf. "C'mon big guy, let's leave these two be."_

_"Aha, yes Alfred dear..." The blonde boy just grumbled and proceeded to drag Ivan down the hall._

_Erik stood beside Mathias and watched the two other boys stride down the hallway, shaking his head and sighing. "Really, those two..." He turned to face the taller of the two and quirked an eyebrow. "...Your eye..." Mathias smiled sheepishly. "Berwald." Erik clicked his tongue. "Ah. That's what I thought."_

_"Aww! Well I'm glad you were worried about me, babe!" Erik rolled his eyes. "Yeah, whatever. Now... about your story..." Mathias' eyes lit up instantly._

_"Did you like it? I but so much work into it, you have no idea!" The spiky-haired blond leaned over and strung his arms around Erik's petite shoulders and buried his head in the crook of the others neck. "But I got through it by thinking of you."_

_"Ugh. You're such a romantic. It's making me gag. But, really. Me, a princess?"_

_"aumf pwinse."_

_"What?"_

_Mathias lifted his head. "Not a princess, a prince. And I thought you'd like it! I mean, how awesome is it that I get to come to your rescue! Aren't I great at writing romance?" Erik put some distance between them by lightly pushing Mathias' chest, but the arms still remained around his neck. "If that's what you call romance, I really don't think this relationship will last."_

_Mathias laughed. "Aw, don't joke like that, Er! You know I love ya'..." He leaned in to steal a kiss but his lips met the cold surface of Erik's binder._

_"I'm mad at you right now. Let's get to class, "The boy shrugged off the arms around his shoulders and turned on his heels and started walking down the hall._

_"...OH COME ON ERIK! Babe, don't be that waaay~!" Mathias yelled as he started down the hallway after his boyfriend._

_"Feliciano Vargas?"_

_"Ve~"_

_"Lovino Vargas?"_

_"Here..."_

_"And Vash Zwingli?"_

_"Here."_

_Katyusha checked off the last name on her attendance sheet. She set that aside and folded her hands in front of her on her desk. "Okay class. We were going to continue reading our essays like yesterday, but due to that fact that everyone would rather listen to Mathias'... eh, story, I'm going to ask you all to take out your essays and pass them forward so that I can collect them. Please do so now, all except for Mathias of course." The room sounded with zippers opening and binders clamping open and shut again as the students pulled out their essays and passed them up as told, all relived that they did not have to read them out loud._

_Their teacher directed Elizabeta (Who sat in the front row. Phh, honors student...) to collect the papers from the rest of the rows. She did and brought them up to Katyusha's desk and sat back down at her own. Katyusha straitened the papers and set them in a metal basket to the side of the paper filled desk. "Phew! Okay! Now, Mathias, I take it you have your story ready to read?" She asked, leaning slightly in her chair. Mathias Nodded and held a few sheets of loose leaf paper above his head. "Great! Then please come up and continue!"_

_Mathias half-ran down to the front of the class rooms and put on a large grin. "HELLO EVERYBODY!" A few scattered hellos and enthusiastic cheers. "Ha, well, so. Yeah, I continued my story last night and all so... should I start reading now, teach?"_

_"Go ahead, dearie!"_

_"Okay. Oh yeah one more thing before I start." His blue eyes shifted over to look at Erik in the second row. Mathias then cupped his hands around his mouth to use as a sound amplifier of sorts. He took a deep breath. "ERIK, I LOVE YOU, BABE!" He yelled in an overly loud voice. The rest of the class erupted with laughter and Erik's face went flush as he face-palmed. Katyusha looked taken aback, but smiled and laughed._

_"Ha-ha, okay then. Care to start now, Mathias?"_

_"Mm-hmm! Yeah sure! Okay..."_

Denmark's team of awesome stopped in town to get some supplies and then headed out towards the forest of doom. Japan led them to the edge of the forest and then stopped. He turned around and looked at the group who were all like 'wtf man? Let's keep going'. "I would just like to warn you all before you go into the forest that it is extremely dangerous, and you should all take extra caution from now on." Denmark rolled his eyes. "Like, we didn't already assume that from the name." Japan didn't say anything for a moment. Probably because he was just owned. He turned his horse around and trotted around the group. "I shall take my leave now. Give Germany-san my regards." And with that, Japan started back towards town and they continued into the dark, dark, dark, dark, dark, dark forest.

The forest was all weird. It had all these weird twisty trees and stuff that like that had faces that were pretty ugly. Plus there were like, bats, EVERYWHERE. Like God was all like, "Lawl, I'll just dump all of the bats in the world into that one forest!" Anyway, the group continued in silence for a while. The rest of the group were all shaking in their boots with one hand on the handles of their swords. What wusses. Denmark wasn't scared at all. Because, well, he's Denmark!

Suddenly, they heard a rustle in the bushes and Iceland screamed like a girl. England clung to France's shirt- _Goddammit, Arthur! Stop freaking hitting your head on the desk! Omigawd..._The rustling continued and Denmark stepped in front of the group like a hero and held his sword in front of him. Then something started to emerge from the bush. It was- IT WAS-

"A BUNNY!" Denmark dropped his sword and ran over to the small creature and knelt. He started to pet the bunny. "Hehe, look how cute you are! But... why are you green?"

England gasped. "W-wait...a green...bunny?" Denmark turned around and glared at him. "Well, duh, that's what I just said, can't you see him anyway?" England then started to shake.

"D-Denmark. Back. Away. Slowly."

Denmark just continued to pet the bunny. "No, don't tell me what to do! And why should I? You're just jealous because the bunny likes me and not you..."

"N-No, you git! That thing is-!"

"OUCH!" Denmark held his right pointer finger with his left hand as the red liquid seeped out. "Fucking thing bit me..."

England went pale. "Oh god." Denmark scoffed. "Oh, come on. You're being a drama queen! It only bit me! What's the big deal?"

"Big deal? Mon ami, THAT is the big deal!" France said pointing behind Denmark. Denmark looked behind him and then he saw it. Yeah, that was no longer a cute little bunny. Ha-ha, no. That was a freaking beast of utter doom! There stood a large Green beast, its teeth and nails razor sharp, and glowing red demon eyes. It has spread wings and now was panting all like "HUFF, HUFF" and had enough saliva to sail freaking Noah's arc.

"...Shit."

"RUN LIKE BLOODY HELL!" And so they did. Since getting on their horses would be a pain, they all started to run from the green demon bunny. "W-what is that thing?" Denmark asked. England who was running beside him stuttered with is answer.

"A... a flying mint bunny! T-they are highly viscous!"

"WELL NO DUH!" The beast was hot on their trail, well, mostly Iceland's because as we all know, Iceland is a fag, and he can't run as fast as the others. Anyway, and of course, right then and there, England just so happened to trip on a root. A very small tree root.

"Angleterre!" France yelled! They were all certain he was doomed as he let out a bloodcurdling (girlish) scream and the monster bared its spit covered teeth-

**BLAM!**

_"HOLY SHIT!" The class screamed in unison. The loud sound effect had caught them all off guard._

_"Ha-ha, sorry to scare you guys! I got into it."_

_"Dude..." Alfred began._

_"I know, I know, too loud! Whatever..." Pansies._ The mint bunny then fell backwards as a hole was blasted strait through its chest, and it landed in a puddle of its own blood. The three (plus Iceland) looked around to see where the gun shot had come from.

"Really now. How come every time someone comes into this forest, I end up having to kill a mint bunny? It's costing me bullets..." Que Vash! I mean, Switzerland. _"Ugh. I was hoping you'd keep me out of this..."_

_"Pff! Of course not!"_ The team all stared at the boy. France exhaled deeply and flipped his hair all girly like. "Mon Deiu! Thank you so much! Angleterre here would have been eaten up by that terrible beast had it not been for you!" He knelt down beside England and pressed the Brit's head to his non-existent boobs. "Oh! Are you alright ma belle fleur?"

England oh so rudely pushed away the hand that was stroking his head. _*giggle*_ "I'm fine! Get your hands off of me, frog!" The green-eyed blond stood and brushed off his clothes as he approached the stranger. "Thank you very much. You saved my life. I am England. May I ask your name?" The boy with the gun crossed his arms.

"My name is VashERR-Switzerland." He looked beyond England to the handsome Dane behind him. "And you are?"

Denmark stepped forward. "I am Denmark! Remember that! Oh yeah, and that's France, and that brat over there is named Iceland, but you can call him Fag like I do." Iceland began to sob. Switzerland nodded his head.

"I take it you all want to get out of here right?" Denmark laughed. "Oh why of course we don't! We totally want to stay here and be eaten alive by Green flying demon bunnies! Ha-ha, yep! That sounds just peachy!" There he goes again with the funnies! He just couldn't control himself!

"Ugh, whatever. Anyway, it's not safe to say out here. Follow me and I will lead you all to my house. You may stay there for the night, and in the morning I shall lead you all out of the forest. Where exactly are you all heading anyway?"

England smacked Denmark again! The meanie! Then he acted like nothing happened at all and turned to Switzerland. "Thank you, that is much appreciated. We are all on our way to the mountain of doom to meet with Germany-"

"WE'RE ON OUR WAY TO SAVE PRINCE NORWAY FROM FAT-HEAD RUSSIA!" Denmark explained epically. Really, England should learn to get to the point of things. Switzerland sighed and walked pasted the group.

"Ah, well, I prefer to stay neutral about those kinds of things. Now hurry up, my sister is waiting."

Switzerland led the group through the forest which seemed like a god-dammed trip around the world, and finally they arrived at his house. A gingerbread house. Denmark stopped and stared.

"...What. The. Hell? Is this thing Hansel and Gretel or something?" Switzerland growled.

"Shut up! I like sweets..."

"Yeah whatever...fatty..." Denmark mumbled.

"What?"

"Nooothing~"

Switzerland walked up to the door and before he could turn the knob, the door flung open. In the doorway was a little girl who was like, I don't know, fourteen or something?" _How old is your sister anyway, Vash? "Ugh... thirteen..." Thanks! _So yeah, she was fourteen and stuff. She was like, a mini girl version of Switzerland! Except her hair wasn't beautiful and golden and flowed in the wind like Switzerland's, oh no, hers was like... a straw color blond. Yeah. Ha-ha, I love you Vaaash!

"Welcome home brother!"

Switzerland smiled the cutest smile ever to grace the Earth as he hugged his sister. "Hello Li- Li- chhhheeerrrrr..." _Uh. Yeeahh, teach? I chose this country for the girl's name and I kind of don't know how to say it._

_Katyusha motioned for Mathias to come to her desk. "Let me see." He brought the paper up to her and pointed at the word for her to read. "Mathias, sweetie, please move your finger. I cannot see it... Oh. Oh! Yes, that is pronounced 'Liechtenstein'."_

_Mathias nodded. "I see... well... We'll just call her Liech for now, Kay?_ ANYWHO! "Hello Liech." The girl released her grip on the boy and looked past him at the team. "Oh. Who are you four men?" She asked in her so sickeningly sweet high-pitched voice. Denmark, in all of his glory, stepped forward and bowed to the girl. Because he was waaay more of a gentleman than Arthur would ever be. _"I believe you mean England." Arthur said scowling._

_Mathias looked blankly at him. "I know what I said." _So! "I am Sir Denmark of Scandinavialot, and here are my lackeys, England-"

England rolled his eyes. "Charmed..."

"And that's France. The groups pervert!"

France winked at the young girl. "Nice to meet you, jolie demoiselle."

The girl giggled. "And who are you?" She asked looking past the other three.

Iceland froze up for a moment and stuttered. He wasn't used to this much attention! "I-I'm I-Ice-l-land..." That made the girl giggle even more. She must've laughed because of how stupid he looked with that huge blush plastered over his face.

"Well, my name is Liechtenstein," She said doing a curtsy. "Pleased to meet you all."

Switzerland blew a strand of hair out of his face. "They were trying to find their way out towards Death Mountain and almost got killed by a mint bunny. So I brought them here for the night."

"Oh, well, that's nice of you brother! Come in, now. We don't want you all catching cold by standing outside all night!" She stepped aside and motioned a hand for them to come in. normally this is the part of a story where the author would describe the house but I'm too lazy too so yeah. "I'm glad you all came when you did. I just finished making a beef stew for dinner!" _Elizabeta raised her hand above her head. "Excuse me, but may I ask something?"_

_"Uh, sure."_

_The brunette sat up in her chair and folded her arms. "Why is it that the young girl has to make the dinner, while Vash, uh sorry, I mean Switzerland goes out and shoots bunnies? Is it because it's a female job?"_

_"No, it's just I-"_

_"I find that very sexist."_

_Mathias stared hard at her. Bitch. "Hush yourself woman! I'm trying to read!" The class laughed and Elizabeta gasped. She opened her mouth to say something but Katyusha put up a hand to stop her. My gosh... women..._ The four men and Iceland sat down at the pretty dining table as Liech served them all bowls of the thick brown liquid. Eww... Switzerland took a large spoonful of the doo doo stew and put it to his mouth to blow on it. He took a bite. "Mmm, Liech, thank you, this is delicious." Denmark nodded his head. For a doo doo stew, it was pretty darn good! _Vash. You need to get your sister to make that one thing she made at your house that one time a few months back! Omigawd, that was heavenly!_

The girl took her own bowl and sat down on the opposite side of the table as Switzerland. "Thank you!"

They ate in relative silence for a lot of the time. When they all finished England sat back in his chair and exhaled. "That was very delicious Liech."

France smiled. "Yes, way better than anything Angleterre here could make!" And yet again, England hit an innocent man for no reason.

She thanked them all again and Vash cleared his throat. "So you say that you are headed to Germany's place right? And I assume you're going to Russia's castle to take him out?"

"That's right!" Denmark said. "We need to save my beloved prince Norway!" _Erik gagged._ "We just have to!" Liech clapped her hands together.

"Oh, how romantic! So you're going to Mr. Germany's house? Brother, doesn't he live just past Germany's place?" For a moment Switzerland's face had a pink tint to it. He turned his face away. "Yeah..." He mumbled under his breath. "Hehe, then don't you think it would be nice if they would be so kind as to drop off that letter to him for you on their way?"

Switzerland shot up from his seat. He slammed his hands on the table and yelled, "ABSOLUTELY NOT!"

Denmark laughed. "Ha-ha, your face is mad red right now! What is it, a love letter?"

"Ye-"

"NO! It is definitely not a love letter!" Liech 'tsk'ed and folded her hands in her lap. "Oh, brother. You have been waiting to give that letter to him for god knows how long! This could be your chance!" The blond sat down and hid his face in his hair.

"But... SHE'S there..." France got up and walked to the other side of the table. He rested a hand on the boy's shoulder.

"Mon Ami. Love is a powerful thing! If this letter is something that holds all of your feelings, you must not hold it back! You have to send them out! That is the only way they will reach votre amour~!"

"Wha-! It's not a love lette-"

France pressed his fingers to his lips. "Shhh. You need not say a thing! If it's in the name of love, we shall gladly deliver your letter to this mysterious "him"!" Switzerland was speechless for a moment. He then smacked France's hand away and started to walk out of the room.

"...Fine, do what you like! I'm going to bed." So in all of his prissiness, he walked into the side room and closed the door.

The room was silent for a moment. And the girl clapped her hands together again and -insert high-pitched giggle here-. "Then it's settled! Thank you very much! You have no idea how much this secretly means to brother!" England smiled.

"It's the least we can do after you have shown us such hospitality!" Denmark's eyes sparkled in all of their beautiful blueness.

"Yeah! You've been so nice to us! We'll totally deliver your letter for you!" The girl tilted her head to the side and smiled oh-so cutely! _No, seriously, Vash. I love your sister. No joke. "Yeah, well, just don't go all pedophile on her or I'll shoot your face in." Okay! Fine..._

"Thank you all!" She got up and took all of the bowls to the sink on the other side of the room. She turned around again. "Well, it's getting late. Brother will probably wake you all up early, so it's best you get some sleep. I shall set up some cots for you." AND SO SHE DID.

After she set up the last cot he turned to the team. "I hope you all get a good night's rest. And again thank you! This really means a lot. Now I am going to retire to bed myself, so have sweet dreams, and don't get the mint bunnies bite! Teehee!" So she blew out the candles and left for her own room.

"Oh my." The brunette looked at the bird that had just landed on his satchel laying on the ground. "Isn't that..."He scooted over and pulled the note out of the pouch on it's back and read it carefully."Hmm. America rarely asks for help. It must be really serious this time."

"Like, what is it?"

The Darker haired of the two looked at his companion. "A letter from America. Tell me, do you know where we can find someone named Denmark?"

* * *

**THIS. SUCKED. SO. HARD. I HATE IT. I hope you guys didn't find it too bad. I like to imagine that their whole class is somewhat a huge group of friends. And Mathias is someone I think everyone couldn't help but love! That's why he's so friendly with Vash. And I'm also trying to make the "story characters" and the actual characters, different people. Like, Mathias and Denmark are different. That's what I'm going for. I hope you see that... -sweat- And I bet you can guess who Alfred sent the letter to! Also, I HATE writing Liechtenstein! DX GAH! This chapter was soo repetitive... Review if you support Vash's love for the infamous "He"! Katyusha really lets her students get away with murder, doesn't she?**


	4. Chapter 4

**Haha, hey guys. Sorry this took so long! I'm a lazy bum as usual! But I made it extra long just for you guys. This chapter is kinda serious, it's getting to the actual plot and all. I spent a long time on it. I actually started planning it a month ago and only started typing this week. But I hope you guys enjoy!**

**I moved the FAQ to the first chapter**

* * *

The next morning, like liech said, Switzerland woke the gang up at the crack of dawn. He didn't understand how Denmark needed his beauty sleep to look that handsome! Liech cooked them all some yummy breakfast- that England tried to help with, but Liech repeatedly shot his offers for assistance down. Smart girl. They ate up and soon were ready to set off. Liech stood on the doorstep of the gingerbread house and watched the guys ready their steeds- and Gilbert- for the trip to the mountain of death. "It was such a pleasure having you all!" She said in that sickeningly sweet voice of hers. "I had a fun time!" The group approached the doorstep and France bowed to the young girl.

"Oh no, it was our pleasure ma dame~" He took up her hand and softly kissed it. Liech giggled while both Switzerland and England dragged France away, but not before he pulled a rose out of nowhere and handed it to her. Denmark laughed at France's fail and addressed Liech.

"Yeah, thanks little lady! You were super awesome! I mean, you food was just like, sooo good!" He looked around and then leaned in to whisper in her ear. "And that loaf of bread you were looking for earlier this morning; I took it. It's just that good. I hope you don't mind!" Liech laughed and took a small step back. Denmark's awesomeness must have been too much for her to handle so up close. "Oh, you devil you! I should've guessed it was you who took it! But I don't mind, in fact, I'm flattered!" He nodded very gentlemanly to her and she curtsied. Her eyes wandered beyond Denmark and onto Iceland, who started to look flustered. She smiled. "It was nice meeting you too...Iceland."

Iceland slowly stepped forward and nodded. "Y-yes, it was a pleasure." He fumbled with his sleeve. "Th-thanks for your hospitality... I- I mean, WE'RE very grateful." _Hay you guys! Iceland finally said more than four words! The class let out a small 'yay'._

Liech giggled. "Oh please, you're such a flatterer! I only did what any good host would do! Really, you should be thanking my brother..." Iceland shook his head. "N-no, really! You were really great! And nice... and kind...and you're so pretty..." He looked down at his shoes. "I-I mean! I'm not coming on to you or anything! I mean, I'm just stating fact c-'cuz it's true! And and-"

She grabbed his hands which caused his to look up at her, with his face all red and shit. "Really. You are sweet." She looked over at her brother to make sure he wasn't looking, then she pressed and small kiss apon his cheek. _"AWWWWWW!" What the- Elizabeta! Shut up! Elizabeta's hands shot up to her cheeks and she shook her head back and forth. "I'm sorry! That was just so cute! You're so right! They would look so cute together!"_

_Mathais smirked. "I know right?"_

_"I OBJECT!" Vash slammed his fists on his desk. "Lili would never do that!" Mathias Clicked his tongue._

_"Vash, Vash, Vash. Don't you know? You sister is totally crushing on Erik's little bro! She told me herself! And I have a pretty strong feeling that its the same on the other side too~" Vash looked taken back._

_"B-but he's older than her-" _

_"Yeah, and isn't **he** older than **you**?" A bunch of 'Ooooo"'s were sounded and Vash sunk down in his seat and crossed his arms while he shot a glare at Mathias and then at Erik. "Keep your brother in check." He said in what was meant to be a threatening tone, but it only made Erik roll his eyes and smirk to himself because of how red his face was._

_Um yeah, can we get back to this? Thanks_. Iceland's brain took a moment to process what just happened and when it did, being the stupid person he was, lost his balance and fell backward on his ass. Liech laughed and looked down at him. "Haha, I hope you come to visit again some day." Her words made Iceland get right back up on his feet. He grabbed Liech's hand and looked right at her.

"I will! I-I mean, I'll come back. Very soon!"

"What are you doing?" The two of them turned to see Switzerland with a not so pleased look on his face. Iceland immediately let go of her and took five steps back. He laughed nervously as Switzerland glared daggers at him. What a protective brother he was! "Well, Liech, we'll be going now. I'll be back soon after I escort them." The girl nodded and hugged her brother.

The gang got on their horses and Imu thing and started off. Liech pulled out a random handkerchief and waved it above her head. "Goodbye! Good luck on your journey! Be safe now!" She watched them until they were out of sight and then retreated back into the house.

* * *

"Here we are." The group exited the forest and squinted as the light from the sky hit their eyes. After a good hour or two of traveling through the large stupid dark forest, they finally reached the end and came into a huge field. And there; smack dab in the middle of their line of vision was the mountain of death! England Turned to Switzerland.

"Thank you very much for helping us. We are in your debt." Switzerland Nodded his head and turned his horse around.

"Now don't get me wrong, I didn't help you because I'm on your side, no. I only wanted you to leave my forest. And…" He looked at Denmark. "M-Make sure you deliver that letter… not like I care or anything! I mean, it's just that when one says that they'll do something, they should keep their word and-" Denmark's laughing cut him off.

Denmark patted his pocket. "Don't worry your pretty little head Swissy-poo! We'll get you letter safely to him!" Switzerland might have whispered a small 'thank you' under his breath, but at the moment no one cared and he quickly cracked the reigns of his horse and went back into the forest of doom. After a long awkward silence, Denmark spoke up. "Well then! Let's not all stand around like stupidheads, come on! Let's get to that Germany guy already and rescue Norway!" Denmark started valiantly away on Gilbert and the rest of them people had to catch up to him because they were slow buggers.

Yeah, the field was all flat and stuff, so it was easy to get across, but damn, did Denmark look cool riding across it! The wind was all blowing and so his hair was all like 'WHOOSH!' Anyway. They reached the foot of the mountain and looked up. "Well..." England started with a laugh. "This isn't THAT high of a climb. Our horses can make it since there seems to be a trail." He pointed over to the side were there was a little itty bitty road leading strait up and around. Denmark of course knew that it would be a sinch to climb up that mountain... well, to HIM at least.

They started up the mountain aaaaaaaand... _Mathias Flipped through some pages. Hmm... Well, lets just say they meet some yetis, a huge rock slide, which almost kills Iceland, unfortunately it doesn't... yadda yadda. Oh and, they discover the meaning of life. But all that's like, 7 pages long, so I'm not gonna read it. Sorries! Why the fuck did I even write that? So yeah. _

"Finally! We reached Germany's house!" Denmark exclaimed as he brushed off his pants. "That whole journey up the mountain would've made a real good story!" They hopped off their transportation animals **(A/N: XD LOLWUT?)**and walked up to Germany's door. Denmark stood on the floral welcome mat and reached over to ring the doorbell-

"YOU GIT! WATCH OUT!" England didn't have to warn Denmark about the two huge logs that were coming at full force towards him on either side. With all his ninja skill, he jumped back just in time as the logs slammed together with such force that they disintegrated_! _

_"Just a moment." Mathias glared over his papers. _

_"What. is it... Eduard?" He was clearly pissed off. He was only like that because of Elizabeta. She had made him very uptight about being interrupted. 'Her and her woman-ness' he would think. Eduard adjusted his glasses. "I'd just like to point out that logs disintegrating like that is impossi-"_

_"YOUR FACE IS IMPOSSIBLE! NOW LET. ME. READ." Oh my god! Sheesh.. Sorry Ed, I love ya, but seriously, shut up._"What the hell?" Denmark stepped back. France put a hand on his shoulder. "Mon ami, maybe you should be a bit more careful. Let Iceland go in first, no?" Iceland didn't even pay attention to that comment because he was too busy daydreaming about Liech! Denmark brushed off France's hand and walked back up to the door.

"No need France! I'm a hero! I can do this!" Alfred twitched. "And besides, if that's all that that Germany guy's got, I'm sure we'll be fine!" This time, Denmark went to knock on the door, but before his hand could hit the wood, it flung open and a loud battle cry was heard as A man with slicked back blond hair jumped out, sword in hand.

Denmark, yet again, with his ninja reflexes, pulled out his sword and blocked the attack. The rest of them hobos pulled out their weapons, ready to fight for their awesome leader. Just as they were about to attack the man pulled back and smiled slightly, holding up his hand in a sort of defensive way. "He, not bad. You defended yourself well." Denmark listened to his words and told the rest of the gang to calm down. The man stood up strait. "I am Germany."

Denmark sheathed his sword all cooly. "That's what I thought. Hello, I am Sir Denmark of Scandinavialot. And these are my lackeys." England started punching France to express his anger. _Arthur started punching Francis to express his anger. _

The two guys bowed to each other. "It's a pleasure Sir Denmark. Now what brings you to my home?"

"China sent us," France said, stepping forward and holding his swollen arm. "He said this was the only way we would be able to defeat the evil lord Russia-"

"AND RESCUE MY BELOVED PRINCE NORWAY!" _Mathias blew a kiss at Erik who made a hand motion of grabbing the invisible kiss and breaking it in two. _

Germany must have heard the fiery love and passion in Denmark's voice, because then he smiled and walked into the house after muttering a small 'follow me'. Germany lead them into his cute cute cute living room. _Aw, Ludwig! I just remembered how cute your living room is! Tell your mom that I said she has good taste in décor! "Um… okay." _They all sat down on his nice soft couch. While Germany sat in an arm chair across from them. "If you were wondering why China sent you here, it's because I'm the royal weapon artisan."

Iceland finally came out of his trance and looked up. "Oh! I knew you sounded familiar! I once heard my parents talking about you once!"

Germany waved his hand. "Yeah yeah. Okay. Well, China sent you here, if I'm correct, to get new weapons. He once told me- a long time ago actually- that I would have to make weapons for four visitors and that the weapons had to be very special." They all straitened up where they sat. Omigawsh! Special weapons! That just got them all excited, didn't it! Tee hee!

"Germanyyyy~"

The five heads turned to the other side of the room where- guess who guess who!- came bouncing in! "Italy..." Germany sighed and the brunet boy walked over to him and gave him a big hug. "Ve~ What was all the noise about? Oh! Visitors! Hello!" The boy ran over and shook the gang's hands one at a time. "Very nice to meet you all! I'm Germany's partner, Italy! Ciao!"

The gang glanced over at the man in the chair who was trying so hard not to hit the boy. _Pff_. Denmark covered his mouth as a stray laugh tried to escape. **"Partner?** As in **Life Partner**?" They all hand their hands to their mouths. How utterly cute! Germany made a pained kind of sound when Italy strung his arms around Germany's shoulders. _Ludwig! Don't be that way! What are you so embarrassed about? Haha, yeah Feli, cheer him up will you?_

"Oh, that too! But I'm also his partner in helping him make weapons!" Suddenly The boy perked up even more. "hey hey! Germany! You should show them those nice weapons you made! You know, the four really nice ones!" Germany instantly stood up and started towards a door on the other side of the room.

"Y-yes. Well then. You four, follow me." They all got up and did so, Italy leaving back to the kitchen. Germany lead them through the door and down a set of stairs. The stairway was pitch black and Iceland even fell down a few, but that was probably because he went back to day dreaming. After decending the winding staircase, they came to a door. On either side was a lit torch. The door was like, MASSIVE and had this little tiny keyhole. Germany dug in his pants pockets and pulled out a ring of keys. He stuck the right one in the hole and turned it. The door made a huge CREEEEEEK sound and it opened slowly. All along the walls there were weapons apon weapons and even more weapons. There were chests- probably full of weapons- and so on and so forth.

Germany lead the gang over to a huge chest on the other side of the room. It was all big and golden and stuff. Germany dusted it off with his hand. He turned to look at them. "Inside here are the weapons I have made for you. They are all specially made by instruction of China. That means that you will not just go an pick any random one you want. It means that I will assign them to you." What a party pooper. He pulled out another key and unlocked the chest. Even though he looked strong, he had a totally hard time opening that huge chest. Denmark could probably do it with his pinky. The chest was opened and he pulled out a crossbow. "This one I made for the prince. By habit I engraved the royal crest into the side. Which one of you is the prince? You?" He looked over at Iceland. Iceland nodded, and stepping forward he took the crossbow from Germany. (It was heavy, so Denmark was surprised Iceland could even hold it with his skinny arms.) "This crossbow is not for close-range combat, as I'm sure you're aware. You must use precision and stealth when using this. It's ideal for a-" _unimportant_. "Quiet person like you. I have put a magic seal- like the other weapons- on it that will allow you to focus your energy and spot targets from all directions, even if you cant see them with you naked eye, and strike them down."

Iceland was about to say something along the lines of 'Gee wiz Mister! Thanks!' But Germany moved on to the next weapon in the box. He pulled out a sword and shield. "China instructed me to give this one to the quote-on-quote 'perverted idiot'." France stepped forward. "That would be moi." He said with a smirk and accepting the weapon and shield. Germany sighed. "I figured. Now this sword was crafted from a special kind of metal only found on this mountain. When used properly, this sword can cut through basically anything and _anyone. _The shield as magic bestowed apon it to reflect magical attacks. Of course it being a shield it also can protect you from regular attacks, but that's all in your responsibility. When the sword and shield are combined, they prove to be very useful on the battlefield."

"Merci Beaucoup."

Germany pulled out some weird stick looking thingie and yeah... "This one I had quite a bit of trouble with. Italy did most of the magical work on it. This one is for the 'eyebrow idiot.' China said." Denmark snickered and England grumbled under his breath as he extended his hand, motioning fro Germany to give him the weapon. "Like most magical staffs, this one can help you cast spells that are more advanced than your skill level. Though this one is special. It connects with your soul and magnifies the power of the spell immensely." He place the staff in England's hand. "It will only work for you once you connect with it. Build up your magic skills and you will soon be a formidable foe to all."

England thanked Germany and examined his sticky thing. Denmark looked over inside the trunk and gasped. "Yo! How come there isn't one for me? That's ghetto!"

Germany sighed and walked over to another door on the side of the room. "Oh yes. Well since you're the last one left. The weapon in this room must be the one for you. Please come along." The others were too busy being stupid with their new toys to pay attention to Germany, so Denmark scurried- _Scurried, isn't that such a cute word? I love it! _Over to Germany and the two of them entered a small chamber with another trunk. Germany unlocked this one too and started to open it. "I put especially hard work into this one." He pulled out the most kick ass axe Denmark had ever laid eyes on. "This one. Other than being an extremely powerful axe that could kill a man in one blow, this is also an axe that can destroy a persons soul. In other words, this axe not only destroys body, but also mind."

Denmark took the axe from Germany and held it up epically. "Wow. It's amazing!" He thought he'd give the man a compliment since those other bozos in the other room were to rude to do so.

Germany shrugged his shoulders. "Well, China did say to make something special for the 'chosen warrior.'" Denmark looked at him. Omigawsh, he was seriously a chosen warrior? How freaking awesome was that? Denmark wasn't speechless, but he decided to not say anything to let Germany continue talking because he was a polite guy. "I don't know what that's all about though. Ah, there's also a few other things that that thing can do. such as it can break earth beneath feet with the right handling and there's more, but you'll figure those out in time." Germany looked At Denmark. "Wield it well."

"Okay! You got it! Don't worry, I'll take down Russia and save this land!" Yeah, sometimes Denmark was too epic for words. Germany smiled and started towards the door again.

"I believe that you will. Now come."

Germany lead the group back up the stairs and to the living room again. There he explained for a few brief minutes about Russia's powers and how they would have to deal with him. After a few minutes, Italy walked in again. "Ve~ Hey hey, lunch is ready, Germany! Would your guests like to stay and have some?"

"That would be lovely, than-" England began, but Germany put his hand on his shoulder and turned him around.

"No, that won't be necessary. They must be going. They have to get to Russia's palace as soon as possible. The fate of Scandinavialot depends on it." He started pushing them all out of the house quickly so that they were outside before they had a chance to say anything. else. Geeze, how rude could you get? _I vaguely remember a time when you, Ludwig did this to a few of us when your sweet sweet mom offered us lunch. You meanie. Ludwig rolled his eyes. "Yeah, okay whatever."_

Germany and Italy stood on the porch as the other got their horses ready and stuff. Italy had given them some of the lunch anyway. He was such a nice person~ _"ve~" _Haha, anyway. They were all ready to set off. Denmark walked over to Germany. "Hey, thanks for the awesome weapons and stuff."

"It was my pleasure."

"Yeah well, I was wondering." Denmark fished the letter from Switzerland out of his pocket. "Do you know where this guy Austria lives?"

* * *

AT RUSSIA'S PLACE!

Norway, like usual was sulking in his room in that tall tall tall tall tall tall tower. He was leaning on the windowsill as he heard a knock on his door. He didn't say anything, hoping they would go away, because well, it was Russia, and no one wants to be near him. Ew. So! The door creeked open and instead of the stupid, "Aha" he expected to hear, Norway heard, "Hey." He turned around and saw America walking in and quietly closing the door behind him.

Norway rolled his eyes. "Oh, it's you. What do you want?"

America gripped his sleeves and looked a little distraught. _I used an awesome word! How smart am I? Smarter than you guys! _"Well, it's just..." He suddenly walked over to Norway and knelt next to him. Nor was about to like, sucker punch him put he grabbed his hands. "I'm on your side." Was what America said.

Noway blinked. He raised an eyebrow that said. 'uhh, the fuck?' "Yeah, sure."

America shook his head. "No! Really, I mean, I don't approve of this whole thing! I don't like keeping you locked up here, plus you can't marry Russia! That would be horrible!" America looked down. "It would be so bad... I-I mean for the kingdom! And for you of course! Yes! I know that you'd much rather get married to someone else." Norway looked at him. He put on just the cutest little evil smirk EVER.

"Well, are you sure that those are the ONLY reasons that you don't approve of this? Maybe it has somthing to do with lo-"

"N-NO! I-I mean. Yeah. Those are the only reasons that I don't approve. I mean, it's just un-hero like..." He sulked for a moment and then looked back up at Nor. "But really! I am on your side. You believe me, right?"

Then Norway, for like, one of the first times in his life, smiled. _And, man! Is it a cute smile! _"Yeah, I believe you. A bit." America thanked him. "Now, is that what you came to tell me?"

America stood up. "Oh yeah. I was actually told to come an bring you downstairs. Russia.. wants to see you." He scowled when he said th- _Oh Alfred! You're scowling just like how America is! Everyone look at him! Haha! _

Norway stood up also. "Oh great. This should be fun." He started walking with America to the door and stopped at the doorway."Can you tell me somthing?"

"What?"

Noway fidgeted with his hair. A cute little habit he has. "You wouldn't happen to know if Russia as other motives for wanting to marry me, other than wanthing to take over the kingdom?" America looked at him blankly for a moment, in thought.

He crossed him arms. "Hm, not that I know of, sorry. Now come on, Russia will get pissy if we take too long." America lead Norway down the stairs and down a few hallways until they reached a room that was all glass. Russia was sitting on a couch on the far end of the room. When the two walked in he turned around and smiled.

"Ah, Norway. Please come and sit."

Norway hesitated and he and America exchanged glances. America urged him on and Norway unwillingly walked over to the couch and sat as far away from Russia as possible. "You may leave Amerika." He waved his hand and America walked away after giving Norway a worried look. They sat in silence for a moment, Norway avoiding looking at him. Russia had to be gay and start the conversation first. "Isn't the view lovely?" He said motioning to the wasteland of snow. "I myself never liked snow. In fact, I hate it. Yet it's still beautiful to look at. Anyone would think that. I would much rather prefer a field of sunflowers though."

Norway frowned. All that small talk was making him pissed off. He turned to Russia. "Quit it with the small talk will you? Now what the hell do you want with me anyway? And I'm talking about in general! I Know that you have something else you want to do."

Russia stared at Norway. He let out his disgustingly evil giggle. "Why I only wish to marry you and take over the kingdom. It's that simple. Taking it by brute force wouldn't be much fun, now would it?" He laughed a bit and Norway didn't say anything. He glared and waited for Russia to continue. "And." Russia let a very evil smrik spread across his face and he got a very dark purple aura around him. "I also want to Kill King Sweden and everything dear to him."

* * *

**Ooh! Suspense! What do you guys think? Haha, Germany is so gay. I love him. And I told you guys that Iceland would get his day! Aren't he and liech cute? Review if you like crossbows! **


	5. Chapter 5 For real this time!

**Ehehehe, Is anyone still even here? *crickets chirp* **

**Well, hello again after almost a year of no updates, I'm back and off of hiatus! (I think... err) I kind of fell out of Hetalia fandom... I still am... but I want to finish this story! It's my baby! Anyway, I wanted to make this chapter long to make up for the fact that I've been gone forever, but I've decided to split this up into two chapters as like a mini-arc. (ITSFILLERFILLERFILLER) This chapter is written without character interruptions because it's not Mathias telling it in class. It's actually him WRITING it at home. And I apologize for the Hungary bashing. Again, I have nothing against her, I actually really like her, but remember this is all from Mathias' POV, and in this universe, they love messing with each other. He basically wrote this to get on her nerves. So I apologize. Though I had fun writing it.**

**So without any further adieu, here is the long awaited chapter 5 of Denmark's epic story! **

**Oh yes, and I don't own Hetalia because If I did, I'd be awesome...-er. **

* * *

_And then the whole class gasped at the utter shock of Russia's words! How could he? Why would he want to do that to poor innocent Sweden? The girls Screamed and some ever cried. The boys hung their heads in disappointment and Alfred wept- Because men don't cry, they WEEP- and even Ms. K was at a loss for words. For having that wish, Russia was the most evil, wile, disgusting-!_

_"Eh, um, Mathias? I'm Sorry, but I'm going to have to stop you there. The period is almost over."_

_"It is?" Mathias and a few others glanced up at the clock above the door. How could it possible be almost over? He had just started readi- "Oh. It is, ain't it? That's okay! I can read tomorrow, can't I?"_

_"…Well…" The woman started. Mathias frowned slightly. There it was. The infamous "well" with a pause before AND after. That single word said that way could and would crush the hopes and dreams of the one it was being said to. It had the power to send people into deep depressions , into wars,- Heck, Mathias was pretty sure it started world war II- and even make people so angry, so upset, that they just cant help but reach for the nearest sharp object and just-! Well, we won't go there. But just hearing Ms. Katyusha start her sentence with that word drained any hope that Mathias had of being able to read his simple cute story to his classmates._

_"We have to get back to the usual lesson tomorrow…" Mathias hung his head. He knew it. It was all over, and now his chums would never get the hear the rest of Denmark's heroic tale. It needed to be told! It needed to be heard! It was a life changing experience for all who heard it! How could Ms. Katyusha be so cruel? How could she-!_

_"But…"_

_Mathias perked his head up. Wait. There was a "but"? Oh praise the lord! The wonderful and ever so beautiful "but" had saved the day! It was the exact opposite of the horrid "well." It gave hope in dire and desperate situations. It saved peoples' lives, saved relationships and failing grades. It also helped free the slaves! Or at least Mathias thought so. Oh, the word "but" was indeed a great one. But wait. It could always be followed by the terrible "if!" "If" was just as bad as "well!" That meant there was a condition, and usually it's not a fun one._

_"I could make time for you at the end of class to read it, how's that sound?" She said with a smile._

_Oh, Mathias could just cry! For Ms. Katyusha- that kind woman- did not follow her but with an "if!" She was such a wonderful person! Allowing him to continue to entertain his classmates with his story! He could see the tears in everyone's eyes. They were just as overjoyed as he was, he could tell!_

_"Really? Thanks so much Ms. K! Eh, um, how much time will I get?"_

_"Hmm, I'd say about 10 minutes?"_

_Mathias smiled. "Okay! Thanks again!" He said, just as the bell rang. He ran back over to his seat to get his bag while the other students filed out of the room. When Mathias reached the door, Ms. Katyusha called out to him._

_"I really can't wait to hear the rest! Make it good, alright?" She said with a sweet smile and thumbs up._

_She really was great. 'Sweetest teacher ever!' Mathias thought._

_He turned around and nodded, returning the thumbs up to his teacher. "You got it Ms. K! I'll make it extra good, just for you!" And he walked out of the room._

* * *

"So this is where the infamous Austria lives, huh?"

Okay, so Denmark and his lackeys were standing outside of what had to be the frilliest, most girlie, house that they had ever seen. The windows had those cliche` flowers pots on the windowsills, and the curtains were frilly and pink. Like, they even had a welcome mat and some garden gnomes. Like. Dude. The house couldn't get any more girlie. Denmark thought that this was the type of house The tooth fairy probably lived in.

The group walked up the stupid stone walk way slowly, because like... the whole place was creeping them out. They could sense the stares of the garden gnomes on them. It was intense. Denmark was the brave soul who decided to knock on the tacky wooden door.

Oh how he regretted not making Iceland do it.

The door slowly opened and this chick with wavy brown hair was looking at them. And it wasn't even a nice look. She was looking at them like they were skinning kittens or something. Like, the hell lady? Who did she think she was? She was in the presence of the almighty Denmark. She needed to show a little more respect! Denmark was so gonna curse her out, but he was a gentleman and gentlemen don't curse out girls. It's a sin. And he didn't want to go to hell. Then he'd have to spend the rest of his afterlife with Russia. Ew.

"...Yes?" The girl asked after a while of blank staring.

Denmark cleared his throat and bowed slightly. He was such a gentleman. "Excuse me ma'am, But is this the home of Austria?" Oh. He was smooth. He could practically feel the suave rolling off of him.

But this chick. Oh, this girl was just asking for it. She raised her eyebrow and frowned a bit. "Yes it is. What business do you have with him?" Denmark rolled his eyes and reached into his pocket to pull out the letter.

"Well, you see. We're here to deliver this letter to him."

She looked past Denmark at the others and scoffed. Denmark was ten seconds away from smacking her. "So it takes four of you to deliver one letter? Wow, you must be really incompetent."

Oooh, this girl was REALLY asking for it. This time she even offended Denmark's possy. Aw hell naw. Denmark controlled his urge to backhand her and put on a smile, because he still had morals. "Well, you see ma'am, we're actually on a journey. One that could possibly save your pretty little ass from being destroyed by an evil overlord. So, no, we're not incompetent. Now, could you please call Austria out here so that we can deliver this letter and get on our way? I would prefer not to spend so much time in your presence." Owned.

From the look on the girl's face, she was pissed, but she knew she was owned, so she just scowled. "Who is the letter from?" She asked all rudely and junk.

"Some guy named Switzerland. Now could you please get Austria out here? I kinda wanna get this over with and rescue my one true love." As soon as Denmark said that, if it was even possible, her expression turned even more sour and she had the creepiest glare on her face. Oh god. The others were shaking in the boots probably.

"Well then..." She began. She reached out her hand and tried to grab the letter. "I'll just give that to Austria for you."

Denmark held his hand with the letter high above his head so the little witch couldn't reach it. "Uhhh, no. In case you haven't noticed, I don't like you. And with dislike often comes distrust. So, what I'm saying is I don't trust you with this, and I don't want your filthy paws all over it. So call Austria out here so I can deliver it like I was asked to, and so that we can see that you won't burn it or something."

Oh snap, Denmark was telling it how it was. He almost laughed at how mad she was getting.

She clenched her fists and teeth and glared and Denmark. "Listen you. Just give me the damn letter, or I swear I'll smack you upside the head with a frying pan so hard, it'll-"

"Hungary? What's going on out there?"

Everyone looked at the guy who appeared in the doorway behind the girl, now known as Hungary.

Suddenly the girl's expression did a 180 and she was suddenly all smiles and cheery. It was freaky, by also quite impressive.

"Oh, Austria! I-I thought you were busy working on that new piece you're composing." So This was Austria? Denmark examined him. Hmm... wow. No wonder Switzerland loved this guy. His handsomeness was almost as amazing as Denmark's. Almost, but not quite.

He shook his head. "I was but I came to see what you were doing out here." He looked over at Denmark and his group. "And who are you, now?"

That girl opened her mouth to speak but Denmark cut her off. "Excuse me, but we can answer for ourselves." Ooooh, she was miffed. "Good sir, you are the one named Austria, correct?" He nodded. "Well, we've come to deliver a letter." Denmark kindly handed Austria the letter.

"Who is it from?" He asked ever so politely.

"Switzerland."

Dude, the look on his face. It was like a lame mixture of happiness, surprise, fear, worry, and a whole buttload of other emotions that Denmark could care less about. Man, these people were so weird.

Austria regained his composure and cleared his throat like the priss he was. "Would you like to come in for tea?" He asked. From the look in his eyes, Denmark could see that he wanted to talk about something. Yeah, Denmark was just that smart; Reading people from their eyes. He amazed himself sometimes. But this chick. Oh she wasn't having it.

"Oh Austria, I don't think that's necessary," She said, pulling on his sleeve. "They have a quest to complete, and they really must get going~!"

Oh ho ho. She thought she could get the best of Denmark and his crew, did she? Well She was wrong. Denmark took a step forward. "Nonsense. We'd love to have some tea. After all of this traveling, it'd be nice to have some refreshments. We're in no rush." Denmark turned to his group. "Right guys?" Wink. Oh. He was so sly. The others all looked at each other. They were all silently agreeing with each other that Denmark's plan was awesome and that it would teach that bitch. After all, it was like she thought she was the queen of Scandinavialot by the way she insulted them all. Pfft. Yeah right. Queen Finland was WAY prettier.

"Well then, please do come in," Austria said, Standing aside and Letting Denmark and his crew walk in. Yeah, Hungary totally scowled at Denmark as he walked past. Not like he cared anyway. He actually just smirked. Yet again. Bitch got owned.

As expected, the inside was just as sickening as the outside. Knickknacks everywhere, the furniture was white and frilly, flowers everywhere. Denmark wanted to puke. Austria motioned them to sit down and they did, almost sinking into the overly fluffy seats in the process. Austria asked Hungary to go make some tea for the lovely guests and she disappeared into the kitchen. Where women belong. Oh!

Austria then turned to Denmark and the others. "You said this letter is from Switzerland... is that true?" England nodded.

"He saved us in the forest of death from a flying mint bunny and let us lodge at his home for the night. We were indebted to him, so we offered to deliver this letter for him." England explained, just because Denmark felt that he should let someone else speak for a change.

Austria Nodded. "Do...Do you know the contents of the letter?"

France leaned back in his suffocating fluffy chair of doom and smirked. "I'm absolutely sure it's a love letter, mon ami. Oh, the way la Suisse was blushing when we were talking about it- That letter had to be one filled with love~!"

Austria totally started blushing mad hard. He thought he could hide it by looking down, but he should have known that Denmark sees all, fool. Oh but wait. What was this? Austria was also frowning a bit. Denmark decided it was time to stop letting Austria have secrets. Time to ask personal questions to a person he met five minutes ago! "So... I don't mean to pry," He totally did though. "But, do you and Switzerland, ya know, have something going on?"

Austria shook his head. "No, we do not. Well..." He looked out the window all dramatically. "It's complicated."

"Hmm, lemme guess." Everyone turned to look at... Iceland? Wow.

Iceland cleared his throat and begun saying the most anyone had ever heard him say. "You two used to be really good friends and eventually you both began to grow feelings for each other. But since you were both too bashful and stubborn, you never said how you feel to each other. That's when Hungary came along. She harbored a romantic love for you and you also harbored a love for her, but not in the same sense since you were still hung up on Switzerland. Soon though, instead of just suffering and watching Switzerland suffer, you decided to start living with Hungary and start a relationship with her in an attempt to move on. Though you still can't feel any romantic feelings Hungary and you still love Switzerland. You've also somehow discovered Switzerland felt the same way, and now you feel like the choice of moving in with Hungary was all a mistake. But you're stuck between a rock and a hard place because you don't want to leave and ruin your relationship with Hungary. Am I correct?"

They all stared at him. Oh... well. That was unexpected. Denmark didn't even have an insult to throw at Iceland because he was so stunned that he actually said something smart.

Austria's mouth hung open and Denmark was sure he was catching flies with it. "H-How did you know...?"

Iceland shrugged. "Well, it was kind of obvious." Hahaha, yeah, about that. It really WASN'T, Iceland. He needed to stop acting so smart. It didn't suit him.

Austria took a deep breath. "Well, okay. But, yes, he was spot on. I don't know how... Anyway. That's the situation. And Now I don't know what to do because with this letter... If It really is what you say, then... then it'll just make it harder not to break Hungary's heart."

**CRASH!**

"What was that about breaking my heart, Austria?"

Oh shit.

She dropped the tea.

They were fucked.

* * *

"I also want to Kill King Sweden and everything dear to him."

What. The hell? Norway wasn't sure if he heard Russia correctly. He wanted to kill Sweden, and everything dear to him? Sweden was Norway's dad...

That bastard.

Norway was fuming. "Who the hell do you think you are anyway? How will you even do that anyway? My father is the king of Scandinavialot, and he's not going to retire anytime soon. So marrying me won't make you the king just like that! And he has thousands of soldiers at his disposal, so trying to kill him is out of the question!"

Norway stared at him and waited for an answers. And you know what that jerk did? He had the NERVE to laugh. "Ahaha. Did you think I hadn't thought of that? Hmm..." He looked out the window like the dork he was. "I'll let you in on a little secret." He turned to Norway again with his evil stupid ugly aura and smiled. "I've already taken care of this whole situation a long time ago."

Norway frowned.- which was sooo cute by the way- and furrowed his brow. "What do you mean?"

He started laughing again. The jerk. Norway as so peeved. He finally decided to stop being a dick face and started speaking. "You see, I've sent out an assassin, a very skilled on at that." He started playing with his scarf. "She's currently undercover at the castle right now. You may have met her once or twice. Right now she's just waiting until I give her the go ahead, and then..." He raised his finger up to his neck and did that cutting-throat motion. Sound effects and all. "King Sweden will be no more. Though before we do that, we want him to suffer a bit, hmm? Don't you agree that that would make things more interesting?"

Oh... He was one sick puppy. Norway narrowed his eyes and glared at Russia. "What do you mean _suffer?_ What do you plan on doing to him?"

There went Russia's purple aura again. "Well, let's just say that I would not be worrying about Sweden, but rather your mother, Finland..."

Norway's pretty blue eyes shot wide open. He was threatening Finland now? "W-what are you going to do to him?" Norway asked. Oh god, he wasn't even sure if he wanted to know.

Russia merely smiled. "Wouldn't you like to know."

Then Russia stood up and stretched. "Well, it has been nice speaking to you. I feel like we grew closer just by this little chat." He looked of his shoulder and blew a kiss at Norway who resisted the urge to barf. "Amerika will escort you back to your room. Now if you excuse me, I have important matters to tend to."

As Russia walked away like the dork he was, America walked in and sat down next to Norway who was just looking out the window. He opened his moth to say something-

"America."

"...Yeah?"

Norway looked at him with his forever blank face. "I'm not going to just sit here and wait for someone to save me, when my parents could be murdered at any moment. I must do something."  
America blinked. "Well... what do you have in mind?" America had already sent for reinforcement, but he still wanted to know what Norway wanted to do.

Norway stayed silent for a moment. "Do you have the key to Russia's personal chamber?"

America patted his pocket. "Yep, right here, but what do you plan on doing? Ya know if Russia catches you in there, you're as good as dead. Well... after you get... married that is."

Rolling his eyes, Norway held out his hand, asking for the key. "Yes I know, and I'm NOT marrying him. Not if I can help it. I just... I just want to do some snooping." She tucked the key into his own pocket and looked back up at America. "I need to find more information on what he's planning-Anything really. It'll give me a better idea of what I need to do, and I want you to cover for me. Can you do that?"

America made a weird face and inhaled through his teeth. "Well... I don't know..."

"Please, I just need you to distract Russia while I'm snooping. If you're really on my side like you said, you'll do this for me."

America paused for a little. "...Alright. I mean, I wouldn't be much of a hero if I didn't help you out on this." After all, who could say no to that face?

Norway smirked. "Thank you." He stood up and started for the door. "Now about that chamber... where is it anyway?"

America couldn't help but laugh.

"I'll lead you there."

* * *

_Mathias put down his pencil and stretched his his arms above his head. He looked down and his work and then at the digital clock beside him which read 11:32 PM. He straightened the papers and smirked as he flipped through the first few pages._

_"Aw man... haha, Elizabeta is going to kill me."_

* * *

**And there we have it. Im sooo sorry, I wanted to make this longer, but, meh, what are you gonna do? Im sorry if this chapter seemed lacking in gags, the plot (with Norway) is a bit serious, and I'm trying to keep it that way, but stay in Mathias' writing style. T'is hard I tell ye'! Oh yes, and I made Iceland have another moment! See? I'm making him better!**

**So anyway, please review if you didn't think this was utter shit and if you feel bad for Hungary! XD**


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